the crazy inside my head

My big-decision, decision making process goes something like this. Have large, stressful decision to make. Do a ton of internet research and decide on what you want and what is possible. Fixate on the thing that is within reach to avoid feelings of sadness about the thing that is wanted but not possible (due to budget, proximity, etc). Commit to item within reach. Fixate on what was actually wanted and second guess decision to settle.

So you can imagine that my wedding planning process has been a lot of fun for my psyche. The perfect example of this is my wedding dress. It was the first dress I tried on, and I bought it because it came in petite, it was enough like the dress I really wanted that I liked it, and it was really cheap. Practical, yes, in theory. So now I've spent months second guessing, buying other random cheap dresses for the reception to make myself feel better about my original purchase, and secretly lusting over the dress I really want in an ideal world.

I had a dream about the ideal dress last night. Which makes me want to barf a little bit. My dress is perfectly fine. And ideal dress, even used, is several GRAND more. In fact, ideal dress used would cost about a 1/3 of our wedding budget. So there you go.

Our wedding is not about a dress. I love the person I'm marrying, and he will love me back even if I think the dress I'm wearing has flaws. And yet something has been set up where I honestly feel like I will regret not having ideal dress on my wedding day.

I could blab on about my irrationality for days, so instead I'm asking you to tell me that you've also felt something totally irrational in this process.

(image from brides)

to-do and done

I'm a big fan of lists (not thekn*t evil ones, but ones of my own creation). They are rarely complete and in the case of the wedding often embellished or stretched to make me feel better about myself, but nevertheless they seem useful.

Here is my most recent, vastly incomplete, list of things done and to-do for the wedding:

Done

-Groom
-Figure out my pie/cake situation (and oh lord are they going to be good--I have an ex-Chez Panisse pastry chef making me seasonal, local pie).
-Get sexy shoes and a variety of wedding dresses
-Made a birdcage veil and facinator*. Also realized that old bright red hat I have matches new bright red shoes and should be worn for reception with newly acquired bright red lipstick.
-Groom finally bought a suit. And bought pants and suspenders for his groomsmen.
-Made table runners. Thrifted enough vases to have flowers at like three weddings simultaneously. Got other people collecting acorns to put on the tables and my sisters making super cute felted acorns.
-Finally have enough thrifted dishes so that everyone can eat.
-Did the do-it-yourself makeup thing at Sephora. Realized I hate smoky eyes on me and that my right eyelid is saggy. But also feel more confident that I can do my own makeup and not look whorish or frumpy.
-Conned a bridesmaid into facilitating our ceremony.
-Put my parents on a schedule for cleaning up their yard before the wedding (which is in their yard).
-Reserved toilets, tables, and all the essential things.
-Bought my custom wedding band from Green Lake Jewelers. Am slightly nervous that i waited too long and it may not be here before the wedding.
-Made mustaches.

To Do

-Help bridesmaid write ceremony
-Finish making decor (things that hang from trees)
-Reserve kegs
-Reserve flowers to be picked up from farm.
-Harass our lazy guests to be into actually rsvping.
-Create must-take photo list
-Make programs that explain quaker ceremony and direction cards for hotel room.
-Hair trial (scheduled for first week of Sept)
-Finish must-play song list.
-Create seating chart.Make place cards and table numbers.
-Buy fun photo booth props.
-Reserve cakes.
-Do all the last minute stuff like set up the yard, etc.

*My spell check would really like me to change facinator to hallucinatory.
**This list was lifted on an IndieBride post because I'm lazy.

(Image)

Ranting

In a moment of self-loathing about all the things that need to get done for the wedding, I made the very bad mistake of opening my to-do list on theknot yesterday. Not only does it include about 100 things that I am behind on (groom's attire, floral arrangements, officiant, etc) but this month they would like me to "Start taking better care of yourself (eat right, exercise) so you look and feel great on your wedding day." I mean, yes, it's a good idea to eat right and exercise. But I kind of resent them telling me to do that for my wedding day. Like I have the rest of my life to turn in to a pig, but for my wedding, I should look skinny and pretty. So that's rant number one.

Rant number two is that I'm really sick of people acting like I'm being a control freak about the wedding. Yes, I am normally a planner. I like to plan things. And I'm not that good a group projects. But in this case, a wedding is a huge event. And I'm doing everything 100% by myself. Not because I want to, but because every time I try to delegate something to someone else (primarily my parents who actually live where the wedding is being held), they ignore my question for months until they finally get sick of me asking. But then their response is surrounded by this whole "She's always been like this...so controlling. I think this might be her inner bridezilla coming out." I think they think it's funny. But I'm a little bit over my parents calling me the b-word that might as well be the other b-word.

There is something so wrong with women getting forced into this role. Everyone expects the wedding to be big and fun, nobody wants to help with the planning stages. So essentially they expect you to show up after months of planning in secret so as not to disturb anyone or look like a bridezilla, and look like the skinny, hot, princess bride for a day. It's not right.